terror cuts cold across his heart and sinks chill into his skin, and he’s frozen, too. he sees better than kaoru does, in the dark; he sees the way his pupils contract in his wide eyes; the faint trembling in his muscles, and the strain of tendons with it. had he scared him? or...
the spell breaks when kaoru relaxes, mostly. rei’s chest doesn’t feel too tight to breathe now, and he swallows. causing annoyance was one thing, but to invoke terror . . . he had not, perhaps, been considerate enough of kaoru’s circumstances. if it was not him that kaoru was afraid of—he wasn’t, was he?—then it was because kaoru saw something else in rei’s shape in that moment, perhaps, the way children see monsters in the shadows.
a soft guilt, easy to miss, settles along the bottom of his heart. he hadn’t meant to harm him. )
. . . I understand. Rest well, Kaoru-kun.
( it’s not as if anything too bad would happen if he were cold, mostly. it was... discomforting, to wake up again at later and later hours, and he felt disjointed and out of tune, but he could tolerate it until they bought better blankets tomorrow, maybe. it was a little concerning how he seemed to be slowing down these days, and he felt as if he were drifting somewhere further and further before he could wake up, but . . .
he had suffered from some blood loss recently, and he had been dealing with stress. all of these happening at once had been unfortunate, but misfortune is, at most, inconveniencing.
he’d used up all the energy he’d had coming to kaoru’s room and can’t find the strength to push up, so he resigns to remaining here. he lowers himself onto the bed gingerly, cautious not to wake kaoru, and curls up beneath his blanket wrapped around him several times over, like a dead body’s shroud. he lays there, head against the mattress, for several moments watching: debating, maybe, if he could use the excuse of wanting to share the pillow or blanket as a means to get closer, he could feel the heat in that few centimetre gap. close enough to feel him but not close enough to touch, like always.
the awful thing about him is not how he’s afraid of scaring kaoru twice, but that he’s more afraid of kaoru looking at him with those wide eyes again, like he’s a horror. if kaoru comes to see a beast in rei; if he comes to associate rei with that fear, and pull away from him the way koga and ritsu have—
perhaps it would be better, then, if he didn’t wake up. (ah, what a selfish creature he was.)
so he curls up, and closes his eyes, and shivers, until finally exhaustion sinks his mind into the dark, where he stays. come morning, then afternoon, and evening . . . he stays there, still-bodied, unconscious. his chest does not rise very often, and his heartbeat, as always, is uncomfortably slow.
come the close of sunset, with night rapid across the horizon, his body will be as cold as ice. )
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terror cuts cold across his heart and sinks chill into his skin, and he’s frozen, too. he sees better than kaoru does, in the dark; he sees the way his pupils contract in his wide eyes; the faint trembling in his muscles, and the strain of tendons with it. had he scared him? or...
the spell breaks when kaoru relaxes, mostly. rei’s chest doesn’t feel too tight to breathe now, and he swallows. causing annoyance was one thing, but to invoke terror . . . he had not, perhaps, been considerate enough of kaoru’s circumstances. if it was not him that kaoru was afraid of—he wasn’t, was he?—then it was because kaoru saw something else in rei’s shape in that moment, perhaps, the way children see monsters in the shadows.
a soft guilt, easy to miss, settles along the bottom of his heart. he hadn’t meant to harm him. )
. . . I understand. Rest well, Kaoru-kun.
( it’s not as if anything too bad would happen if he were cold, mostly. it was... discomforting, to wake up again at later and later hours, and he felt disjointed and out of tune, but he could tolerate it until they bought better blankets tomorrow, maybe. it was a little concerning how he seemed to be slowing down these days, and he felt as if he were drifting somewhere further and further before he could wake up, but . . .
he had suffered from some blood loss recently, and he had been dealing with stress. all of these happening at once had been unfortunate, but misfortune is, at most, inconveniencing.
he’d used up all the energy he’d had coming to kaoru’s room and can’t find the strength to push up, so he resigns to remaining here. he lowers himself onto the bed gingerly, cautious not to wake kaoru, and curls up beneath his blanket wrapped around him several times over, like a dead body’s shroud. he lays there, head against the mattress, for several moments watching: debating, maybe, if he could use the excuse of wanting to share the pillow or blanket as a means to get closer, he could feel the heat in that few centimetre gap. close enough to feel him but not close enough to touch, like always.
the awful thing about him is not how he’s afraid of scaring kaoru twice, but that he’s more afraid of kaoru looking at him with those wide eyes again, like he’s a horror. if kaoru comes to see a beast in rei; if he comes to associate rei with that fear, and pull away from him the way koga and ritsu have—
perhaps it would be better, then, if he didn’t wake up. (ah, what a selfish creature he was.)
so he curls up, and closes his eyes, and shivers, until finally exhaustion sinks his mind into the dark, where he stays. come morning, then afternoon, and evening . . . he stays there, still-bodied, unconscious. his chest does not rise very often, and his heartbeat, as always, is uncomfortably slow.
come the close of sunset, with night rapid across the horizon, his body will be as cold as ice. )